Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Found my door mat
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”