These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Sign at work today