When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Ain’t no way
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.