Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“you recording!?”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.