her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.