[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Living the best life.. 😊
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.