Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?