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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three