A Short Story.
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911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Go girl power!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.