I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing