When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
my first dose meeting my second
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.