Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined