[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.