anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
why I oughta
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
That’s not how days work.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
The 6 types of sex
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.