Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*