I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Every haunted house movie:
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.