This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
peeping toms
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.