Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
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Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
even bears disappoint their mothers
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?