Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Cndnsd Mlk
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Well well well…
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Breaking news:
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”