I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
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if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*pronounces fake like saké*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
🙄😏😂🤣
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$