Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.