My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers