Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
every. time.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.