Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I need a headline like this
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Good dog. ❤️
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Weighing up my bread heating options
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.