Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Rt to bother an English speaker
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream