My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this