Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
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Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?