They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
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Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*Inspirational Tweets*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.