A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia