Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
You Might Also Like
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
accurate
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.