I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Bloody internet 😳
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”