trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
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5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.