Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
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If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better