It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15