Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
😅😅😅
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.