*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?