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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.