If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.