[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Customize Your Wedding.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.