when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
You Might Also Like
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*