I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
i love meeting boys on tinder
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT