My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends