Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*