Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti