My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats