good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
That’s classic.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Help Wanted
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.