I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …