If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m not stressed
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Basically.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*