People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping