Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
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Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence